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Parenting Tips to Create the Family You Desire
from: Lisa Martelli Parenting Tips to Create the Family You Desire
There has been much attention in the media of late on the
transformation of families, Dr Phil's Phenomenal Family Series
and Super Nanny to name a few. I recently had the pleasure of
being featured on a radio program, Coaching Corners in New York
in which I spoke about creating your dream family by becoming
the parent you want to be. Many parents have this hope but do
not know where to begin and how to get there. Others know what
to do but get side tracked; finding their present state of their
family is far from what they want it to be. I hope this article
will help those who are new parents create your dream family and
those seeking to transform your family. I want to make parenting
easier, more meaningful and encourage parents in their efforts.
Create your vision of your dream family. Look beyond the
immediate behavior or situation seeking to be changed. Rather
than focus on quick solutions, consider the big picture. The big
picture reflects the long term or the more important values you
are trying to make an impact upon. Corporations and businesses
find they are more successful with a vision and mission
statement to guide the daily efforts of their leaders and teams.
You are leading your family toward a vision.
Ask yourself: What are your values and greatest desires for your
family? Who are your parent role models and mentors? What
families do you aspire to be like? What is your definition of
success and happiness for your family? What experiences from
childhood do you want to bring or not to your parenting?
When considering your vision, you want to capture the essence of
what you value and want to create.
Some examples of possible family visions include: 1. To teach
and influence my children to be generous in spirit, have a
contribution to make and become responsible citizens. 2. I want
my home to be a safe haven, a place of laughter and fun in which
my children want to be home and the neighborhood children feel
welcome. 3. I want to create a family which values learning and
curiosity and celebration of one's uniqueness.
The above 3 combined can be one family's vision statement. It is
important to note, one's vision and values are not to be judged.
There are different versions of success and happiness.
Change yourself and you will have influence over the destiny of
your family. You can influence the outcome of your child's
self-esteem, behaviors, and values through your relationship,
approach and modeling. Pay attention to how your communication,
discipline methods, use of family time, habits and routines, and
activities supports your vision. Many parents seek help with
discipline issues. One of the most common errors a parent makes
is in focusing on the wished for outcome. It is easy to get
attached to the outcome of your efforts. The more attached to
needing your child to change, the more likely to become
frustrated and unwilling to stay focused on you.
Here are some suggestions: Be very clear and focused on what you
want to create (rather than stop) Let go of needing your
children to be different Recognize and change your own behavior
which interferes Have faith and patience with the process
One size does not fit all. Over the course of my 18 year career
working with families, many parents have sought my services to
deal with problem behavior hoping to find the 'right' strategy
to 'cure' the behavior of their child. There are some strategies
suited for some parents and some to others. Parents sift through
many books seeking to find the answer. Some books conflict with
others, some walk you through each step with what to expect and
how to respond. It can seem overwhelming and confusing.
Instead of searching for the 'right' way to raise your children,
you can: Experiment with approaches which seem in line with your
philosophy Explore new possibilities, be creative Grow along
with your children, learning from mistakes, being willing to
struggle Use your unique strengths and skills Pay attention to
your intuition
When you keep the big picture in mind, the choice of parenting
strategy will become apparent to you. In other words, have a
vision and your approach will follow hence making parenting
easier and more meaningful.
Change necessary areas of your life to support your family
vision. You can make your family a priority without losing
yourself or your marriage in the process. Staying on track with
your parenting efforts can be supported by other areas of your
life.
Example areas to keep in check: Health and well being. If you
are exhausted, you will get in the way of your dream becoming
reality. Adequate sleep and leisure time for self are essential.
In order to take care of yourself, admit you cannot do it all,
acknowledge your struggles, and accept your own limitations.
Even, ask for help!
Marital and co-parenting relationship. It is very important you
share a similar vision and approach to parenting. Notice what
you each contribute that may be different but equally valued.
Give time to yourselves as a couple. Ah, the famous last words,
"Remember, when we used to..."
Financial/Professional. Yes, you can seek financial/professional
and family success together. It may be necessary to reevaluate
the intent of your financial and work related goals if it is
interfering with your family vision.
Just your interest in reading this article suggests how
fortunate your child is for having you as a parent!
Copyright, Lisa Martelli, 2006
About the author:
Lisa Martelli of Baystate Coaching, www.baystatecoaching.com is
a parent and career coach with over 18 years experience helping
individuals realize their family and career goals and
aspirations. She offers a free monthly enewsletter,
lsia@baystatecoaching.com.
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