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You Can Laugh At Discipline Worries If You Follow This Simple Plan
from: Beth YoungI've been waiting for this day for 16 months. I heard about this
brilliant parenting consequence at a PTA seminar and have been
waiting for the right time to use it...the time is now!
After my eleven-year-old son left for school this morning, I
began removing his bedroom door from its hinges. I can't wait to
again discuss the matter of last night's door slamming with a
calm, cheshire cat smile on my face. As we discuss that doors
are for closing and providing privacy and they are not
exclamation points at the end of a testosterone tirade.
I like to call this parenting approach the "Cheshire Cat Method
of Parenting." It provides the perfect visual for what your face
will look like when you apply this parenting method.
Picture the cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland. I would
describe the look he gives Alice as one of amusement, challenge
and mystery. You feel like he knows something you don't know
when you look at the smile/smirk on his face. As you look in
those conniving eyes you are convinced that there is a mystery a
foot and he's quite pleased with himself.
As a parent of 5 wonderful, terrible, clever, determined and
cherished children, I've learned that when they choose to not
follow what their father and I have outlined as our "reasonable
expectations" it's easy to be angry with their apparent
defiance.
However, I'm slowly discovering the fact that there is no need
to allow myself to be angry when these times occur, they've made
a choice and it's my job to teach them that all choices have a
consequence. I'm learning to meet out consequences with
creativity, humor and a cheshire cat smile on my face.
So start practicing putting that look on your face as you learn
and apply these "4 Simple Parenting Smirk Tips."
Smirk Tip #1
It's easy to punish a child for their disobedience or defiance.
The challenge of parenting is to provide them with natural
consequences to their behavior. Punishment is punitive and
consequences are educational.
When your child makes a poor choice that results in a need for a
natural or creative consequence, put on your cheshire cat smile
and start considering the consequences.
Look for the natural consequences to their inappropriate
behavior. You may not need to add any additional consequences.
If they forgot to do their homework, then they get a lower grade
or miss recess to complete the assignment at school.
Put on your cheshire cat smile and choose your battles. If they
have experienced a natural consequence to their behavior, then
smile that smile and encourage, model and teach them to be more
organized the next time.
A major role of wise parents is to help their children learn
life lessons before they become adults and make decisions that
could negatively impact their life for the long term.
If they steal a candy bar at the grocery store, then a natural
consequence would be to return the bar and apologize. You could
even take it a step further with a creative consequence and have
them use their allowance to pay for the bar and not get to keep
the candy.
If they steal at age 21, a natural consequence would be jail and
there is no longer the opportunity to apply a creative,
educational, consequence.
Which do you think would be better; to have our children learn
the importance of honesty at age 4 or age 21? Identifying
natural and creative consequences allows for this learning
process.
Smirk Tip #2
Defuse the situation with humor and creative consequences that
"fit the crime."
Removing my sons' bedroom door for a week after it's slammed is
a creative consequence. Grounding him from X-box for a week is a
punishment. Which applies more to the 'crime' and which will
allow me to talk calmly and discuss why it is a problem to slam
doors in our home?
Here is another example of creative consequences. My fourteen
old son threw a pillow at his sibling for the millionth time
about a month ago. He had been previously counseled and punished
several times regarding this unacceptable behavior.
This time my husband put on his cheshire cat smile and calmly
told him that because he threw the pillow, the furniture was now
in fear of it's life and if he sat on the furniture it might
suck him in and eat him! (See, parenting can be fun)
Consequently, he couldn't sit or use any of the furniture in the
den for 24 hours. Then the furniture would have time to calm
down and it would be safe for him to use the furniture again.
After all, we were only concerned for his safety.
Not using the furniture for 24 hours was a creative consequence.
The imaginative story that we feared for his safety, was fun and
allowed us to put on our cheshire cat smile. It's been a month,
no more flying pillows at our home!
Smirk Tip #3
Don't buy into the power struggle...or in other words, don't
allow yourself to loose control of the situation.
If you can talk calmly and think clearly and creatively, then
you are in control. If your child draws you into a battle of
wills or wits then you will loose your temper and they win
control of the situation.
When I explain what is required, such as finishing the dishes,
and I am met with a whining response of dissatisfaction, I put
on my cheshire cat smile and calmly explain, "I don't speak
"Whinese". When you can talk to me like a normal person, we'll
discuss your concerns. In the mean time, do the dishes.
Smirk Tip #4
Put on your cheshire cat smile and lower your voice rather than
raise your voice. I've heard this advice from several parenting
coaches and counselors. Guess what, it works!
If you are prone to yelling, then this smirk tip will really
throw your kids for a loop. If a situation arises that you would
normally begin to yell, instead put on your cheshire cat smile
and lower your voice.
You will see their looks of bewilderment and wonder, and find
that when your children are at a loss for words, they do what
they're told. Isn't creative parenting grand?
There will be times where you may not be able to determine a
good creative consequence, or the natural consequence isn't
strong/severe enough. Don't loose heart, there are times when
you have to just pull out the more punitive punishments where
they loose a privilege. It helps keep them on their toes too!
A few months ago we just couldn't come up with an appropriate
consequence, so we fell back on the loss of x-box for a few
days. My 14-year-old son was a bit distraught and I told him if
he could come up with a consequence that better fit the crime, I
would consider revising the consequence.
You know you are in parent heaven when your children are
suggesting appropriate consequences, which are good! With a
slight tweak, we changed the consequence to the one he
suggested. Of course, we changed the consequence with the
infamous cheshire cat smile on our face.
As you practice the cheshire cat method of parenting, you will
discover how much fun your parenting experience can be. Plus,
your children will learn life's lessons more effectively and
effeciently.
Happy smirking!
About the author:
Beth Young is the Senior Editor of the leading marriage advise
web site, MarriageAdvice.com. To download your free ebook
titled, "101 Marriage Secrets" visit
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